it's getting cold and i don't have a coat. i guess all of my scarves will have to keep me warm. I'm at work, but not really working.
I was reading my horoscopes online randomly, and it says that i need to focus more. i wish i could do that too.
i found this blog that i didn't know i bookmarked on my browser. and then i realised that i bookmarked it because it had patterns for a hat i wanted to knit. i looked through some of her other posts and they looked really cool. kinda random.
but i feel like i want to do something like that.
would that make me a copycat? a plagiarist?
i wonder why i can never come up with my own ideas.

how were people's halloweens?


There is no title.

I am back home from break. actually, i go back to vassar in a couple of days. and this has been so unproductive. i had all these grand plans to do work and go see people and then things just fall apart because i am too lazy.
why would i study or meeting friends when i can just stay in my warm bed and sleep?
meeting up with friends in a large group is fun and all, but it gets a little hectic when everyone wants to do different things? the plan was to go karaoke today, but that was the least-fun part. and now that i think about it. WHY WAS IT SO EXPENSIVE? the place i went to on tuesday was like.. $10 until 8pm and this place was $13.. for how long? 1 and a half hours?
woah. i just got ripped off.
speaking of said, karaoke place... it was.. very neon in colour. i reminded me of those prostitute-houses....brothels? in those weird HK movies about polices and undercovers. I was
slightly creeped out, so maybe that's why i didn't really feel right there. something was off, but i couldn't really say what it was exactly.
I went to a knockoff pinkberry place called yoberry. and the mango frozen yogurt DID NOT taste anything like mango.
Things have been awkward these past two weeks. My views about things have fluctuated a lot and I haven't really made up my mind about what or how to think quite yet. I'll have to gave that some thought and then write it out here. right now, i don't know what to say.



I'm (and have been?) in the process of writing a book/ really really long letter. And it's really hard. I thought I could take on this task because I had so much to say, but once I started writing, I realize that I can't really say much. I keep self-editing and rethinking about how best to express myself. is that even really important at all? If i haven't heard from someone for a long time, would I want them to ramble on and on about things I know nothing about?
There exist a gap, hollowness? I'm confused as to how to act because I'm not sure if i've changed or if people would accept that change. should i keep pretending to be who i was many years back, or what i am now. but what am i?
it's really not that hard.
or maybe it's not even a problem about self-expression, or maybe i just lack things to say. i'm not sure whats important.. should i write about every tiny detail of my life.. about how i had a bad dream and drooled in my sleep last night? or just skim through things.. high school, college, birthdays?
or would people care at all?
I've realised that even though I seem to be bright, carefreeless, and insane outwardly, I just happen to be incredibly insecure and needs constant reassurance that I am worth something to someone, that people will miss me when I'm not around. I'm a fragile box of... broken-glassware(?) that needs care and attention. and I doubt people's intentions because i think that they're just saying things that they don't actually mean.
I think my brain maybe malfunctioning. or maybe i'm just an extremely needy, subtly controlling, passive-agressively attention-seeking whore.
uh-um. excuse me. this is really wrong.


For Now,

I am happy, I think.


I'm being PARANOID

Don't you hate it when you're trying to sleep and people are being loud? it's not that they're inconsiderate (which they are). They don't really know that I'm trying to sleep because I didn't tell them. But, hey, it's nearly midnight... so lets gather in a room and SPEAK AND LAUGH REALLY LOUDLY TO PISS PEOPLE OFF? great idea. I think they might be drunk, because I hear that sound that beer cans make when it's opened. or maybe they're drinking soda. Probably not.
I hate this. Everytime I try to sleep my ears become SUPER SENSITIVE and I can hear EVERYTHING. I can't tune things out. The more I try the louder sounds become. But I'm going to try to sleep not.
I watched the Disney version of Cinderella just now. It reminded me of nice old animation. The last time I saw it was a long time ago. and the movie is really kind of fucked up. just slightly. Now I want to watch The Lady and The Tramp. Maybe thinking about good old Disney movies can help me get through my mentally frustratingly boring Children's Lit class.
GOD (whom I don't really believe in) PLEASE HELP ME.


Reunion #1

So, I got the "spring update?" to the Hackley yearbook. With the pictures from prom and senior dinner and graduation. and I got hit by wave of nostalgia (which I actually get quite often).
I went back home this weekend. Hackley feels different for some reason, maybe its because I don't go there anymore. I know the people there, but there were also people I didn't know. In short, I felt like a stranger. only slightly.
Saturday was Emily's birthday, so we went to the city to celebrate.
too bad everyone was kind of sick.

it didn't occur to me how much I had missed everyone until I saw them. Luckily, everyone's more or less within reachable distance. But, i don't know, I get that almost but not quite awkward feeling of separation? it's like a highschool friend meeting college friend kinda thing. not that it's a bad thing. it's only natural. but I'm still not used to the fact that these people that i've known for three years are making friends with people I don't know. WOAH. SO SHOCKING.
not really. i have my own friends, too.
instead of having the same life with the same friends and same social scene (hey! were there any?), it's like we are all going our own way and having our own lives.

Having a life is good. GO MAKE FRIENDS!


Wild Night?

oh yes. TOTALLY. how is not wild watching six movies in one weekend and staying up really really late.. or early.
that was finally something that I'm at least a little more used to doing. plus it was fun.. as long as i remember to forget that i still had homework to do. being sleep-deprived can be a wonderful thing. it makes me extremely hyper, and i can usually sleep REALLY well afterwards. I watched Moulin Rouge for the first time.. and it was around 4 am, so i felt like i was hallucinating, which wasn't actually a bad feeling. ah-haha. and I am absolutely in love with ewan mcgregor, who is extremely good-looking and can sing really well, which makes him that much better. too bad he's old and married and i don't know him. haha. I've also discovered that my friends here have weird and awkward tendencies, which is highly amusing and somewhat comforting because 1. it's entertaining and 2. my other friends (you) all have weird tendencies.
i'm really excited for this weekend. hopefully i'll satistfy my pinkberry craving that has been building up since a month ago.
by the way,

the Barefoot Monkeys are sick.


Total and Absolute Humiliation?

About "Synchronized Ice Skating". yeah, it's really cool, except for the fact that I realized that I haven't skated since I was 11.. so I just couldn't quite move on the ice. I wish I was better. But FEAR NOT! utter humiliation will not stop me from skating. it is really fun (and cold). I have yet to do anything else that's interesting... There was a tea party, which reminded me of Alice's Tea Cup, that I wasn't technically invited to, but I kind of just invited myself. The tea wasn't really that good though. 
oh, funny thing. I didn't sleep in my room last night because I got back from the ice-skating thing pretty late, and I was watching asian TV in my friend's room. when I got back this morning, I went to shower in my super genius "bath rope," which is an oversized sweatshirt that I got by accident a couple years ago. and people were staring at me weirdly.
Whose sweater is she wearing?
i can't wait until next weekend.



there was this belated celebration of the mid-autumn's festival with ASA (asian student association!!) and the second piece of mooncake i had had nuts in it and tasted like crap.
but overall was fun. what else can i ask for? free food, lots of asians, candles in paper boats floating in water...
oh, and i seriously wanted to (and attempted to) light those boats on fire. it was nice. i like the smell of burning paper. it was a connection with my heritage, not that i don't have enough of that already.
ok, i'm weird.
NOTE TO SELF: i could do with more non-asian friends.



this is REALLY BIG.
my room is perpertually messy.
but what is this? my bed is cleaned?
i don't even make my bed at home.



So, this would be like a re-cap of my past.. 3 weeks(?) at Vassar. it is decent. and decent is probably the strongest word i can use. i actually like it A LOT more than when I first got here because GUESS WHAT? I've made friends. which is a good thing, by the way. Yet somehow I feel like there's a piece about college that's still missing. What about the thrill of going to classes? (and I am totally serious) Everyone I've met are in love with what they're taking even though it's a lot of work. My classes are just so.. dull. Is it because I went to Hackley? or because all the ones i'm taking are number-based lecture types? Why do I feel like everyone else is drowning in work and when I've got tons of free time (though i do complain about how i have no time). Why can't I drown with everyone else? or a better way to put it might be.. WHY CAN'T I FEEL PRODUCTIVE? i'm always in the library, but other people are working on papers and readings while I waste my time on problem sets that I already knew how to do two years ago but have forgotten? and why am i complaining about having free time?
Perhaps I just like to torture myself. If I die of overworking one day, I might just be really happy in my afterlife.
i really miss people =[

1.5 hours

That's the amount of time I spent making this blog. It took some time to remember all that html/css stuff I self-taught when I was in 7th grade. This is a lazy way to let you know what's happening in my life.