am i loving too easily?


What am i looking for, exactly?

to have and not to have, both results in complaining.
there are always problems. and i'm really not sure how to deal with them yet. maybe a solution will come with time, but i feel like all i can do right now is to push things aside. i mean, i definitely have other important things to focus on. but problems are also a looming part of my life. brushing things aside might cause larger problems later. but, you know, humans tend to weigh short-term gains more heavily than long-term consequences. it will work out somehow. if it doesn't, i will be sad, but everything will be ok.
I don't regret anything, but sometimes, i am convinced that many of this is just self-inflicted pain.

maybe i am a masochist.


it's interesting to discover things you knew before.

isn't it funny? that just as i was reading about how memories can be triggered from related events that that specific thing happens to me?
I was thinking about Isangs exec board nominations, and just suddenly remembered that I ran for class treasurer when i was in 9th grade. funny,,.. i don't even remember when I've forgotten about that.
memory is such a weird thing, though... once I started thinking about it, I did some digging up of my past.
when "things" happened when I was too young, they are a part of my family's memory, but really doesn't exist in mine. I wished I was older then. maybe.

-- but seriously, where are you? come out and prove everyone wrong, please.


What would someone know about love if he has never loved before?

I think blind loving is heart-breaking. and it is also laughable.
unconditional love is bs, especially if it's one-sided. anything that people say to prove that wrong is only to make themselves feel better about not being loved in return. it is sad for them, and it is sad for people watching. the only happy one is the oblivious idiot who is unknowing causing pain.
but then, what do I know?
it is just agonizing to watch.


god. or other higher divine entities,

why can i not be more assertive?
what. the. fuck?


Once upon a time,

I was capable of offering intelligent input on serious conversations. Now, I don't know whether I'm just indifferent about speaking my mind, or if I just don't have another drop of original thought in me.
I cannot articulate myself comme un intelligent human-being.


my internet sucked last night, so i'm posting this.. during my chinese class?

There are 5 more weeks of classes left. And then I’m a college sophomore. It is really scary. The mere idea of another 3 more years passing like this intimidates me. What exactly have I done in the past 7 months? Nothing really. In fact, I almost find high school more challenging and productive. But I can’t exactly go back, well, life just sucks doesn’t it? It’s around two-thirty in the morning, and instead of finishing my Chinese homework that was due two days ago, I decided to go through my course catalogue and plan out my life for the next three years. It is more complicated than I thought. In the end, I decided that my second major is going to be art. Now, isn’t that funny? I guess people always revert to something familiar… that way, there is nothing to be afraid of. I’ve done it for so long; it is safe. Why am I such a pussy? Refusing to try new things… isn’t that a little counterintuitive to the idea of a liberal arts education? Wasn’t I going to “start fresh”? I hope everything will turn out ok.

Not applying to art school and turning down business school only to study art and econ at a small college? Life is just fucking with me now, isn’t it? It’s okay. Have fun.


my inability to express myself in words

is bothering me.
today reminded me of a book I was trying to write to a friend. By a book, I mean a really really long letter in the form of bound pages. I had so much to say to her, but I can never write past six or seven pages. I feel incompetent.
I just can't verbalize the contents of my brain.
Translation from neural signals to letters and symbols is hard.
Or maybe I'm just making up a lame excuse for being lazy.

It's probably a combination of the two.


I will call this an explanation, otherwise as known as a lame excuse for why I haven't written anything in the past 126 days.

This always happens to me. Everytime I try to "blog" I end up only doing it for a couple of weeks, only to completely forget about its existence. And when something in my mind triggers me to blog again, I'll go back and write one of these: trying to come up with an explanation for my absense like people even cared/noticed.
A lot of things happened in the 126 days during which I was gone. You know, the usual wild parties and extravaganzas. But i'll spare you all the juicy details, because really, I know remember either.
Let's talk about now. What am I doing now?
as I'm typing this, I'm also playing a game tetris. Up until this point, I hadn't won a game yet and I was really pissed off at this one other player who keeps killing me. but, I just won two games. Perhaps this blog is bringing me luck.
So, spring break started 3 days ago, and I have absolutely nothing to do. I waste my days away watching shows on my laptop and eating. That's basically all I do during most breaks. Yesterday, I decided to do something productive, so I spent a whooping 20 minutes doing my chinese homework. I also tried to get back in touch with my "artistic" side, but discovered that maybe I can't draw anymore. That is a sad thought: did I waste like 14 years of my life drawing?
This morning, I woke up at 630 because I made a bet with someone about running outside, only 630 is alot darker than I thought it would be (gah, daylight saving), so I'm running at 730 instead.
ok, so back to the explanation: What prompt me to write this again wasn't the fact that a friend mentioned that it's sad that I don't update this anymore. Someone did say that to me, but I kind of just blew him off. pshhh-- who needs a blog? The truth is that a week later, I start noticing the people around me, and the determination and passion they have with which they do things they want. I wish I could be inspired to make something awesome, but in the mean time, I'm still waiting.

I just wrote about a bunch of things without flow or continuity. Guess I'll never be much of a writer. But you know, they all somehow connect in my mind.