tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48207983391361617632024-03-05T22:54:34.172-08:00一粒梪an epileptic frenzy.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-9742789928854743662009-05-10T19:19:00.001-07:002009-05-10T19:19:41.012-07:00..am i loving too easily?Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-30982786632203416212009-05-04T21:22:00.000-07:002009-05-04T21:27:20.983-07:00What am i looking for, exactly?to have and not to have, both results in complaining.<br />there are always problems. and i'm really not sure how to deal with them yet. maybe a solution will come with time, but i feel like all i can do right now is to push things aside. i mean, i definitely have other important things to focus on. but problems are also a looming part of my life. brushing things aside might cause larger problems later. but, you know, humans tend to weigh short-term gains more heavily than long-term consequences. it will work out somehow. if it doesn't, i will be sad, but everything will be ok.<br />I don't regret anything, but sometimes, i am convinced that many of this is just self-inflicted pain.<br /><br />maybe i am a masochist.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-53003563154324258792009-04-22T15:06:00.000-07:002009-04-22T15:12:03.396-07:00it's interesting to discover things you knew before.isn't it funny? that just as i was reading about how memories can be triggered from related events that that specific thing happens to me?<br />I was thinking about Isangs exec board nominations, and just suddenly remembered that I ran for class treasurer when i was in 9th grade. funny,,.. i don't even remember when I've forgotten about that.<br />memory is such a weird thing, though... once I started thinking about it, I did some digging up of my past.<br />when "things" happened when I was too young, they are a part of my family's memory, but really doesn't exist in mine. I wished I was older then. maybe.<br /><br />-- but seriously, where <span style="font-style: italic;">are</span> you? come out and prove <span style="font-style: italic;">everyone</span> wrong, please.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-22210358977381575662009-04-12T17:07:00.000-07:002009-04-12T17:13:22.144-07:00What would someone know about love if he has never loved before?I think blind loving is heart-breaking. and it is also laughable.<br />unconditional love is bs, especially if it's one-sided. anything that people say to prove that wrong is only to make themselves feel better about not being loved in return. it is sad for them, and it is sad for people watching. the only happy one is the oblivious idiot who is unknowing causing pain.<br />but then, what do I know?<br />it is just agonizing to watch.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-56065624170168220802009-04-05T20:06:00.000-07:002009-04-05T20:07:26.920-07:00god. or other higher divine entities,why can i not be more assertive?<br />what. the. fuck?Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-1358920421464031282009-04-01T21:29:00.000-07:002009-04-01T21:34:54.424-07:00Once upon a time,I was capable of offering intelligent input on serious conversations. Now, I don't know whether I'm just indifferent about speaking my mind, or if I just don't have another drop of original thought in me.<br />I cannot articulate myself comme un intelligent human-being.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-87454581584025884152009-03-30T08:10:00.000-07:002009-03-30T08:13:45.341-07:00my internet sucked last night, so i'm posting this.. during my chinese class?There are 5 more weeks of classes left. And then I’m a college sophomore. It is really scary. The mere idea of another 3 more years passing like this intimidates me. What exactly have I done in the past 7 months? Nothing really. In fact, I almost find high school more challenging and productive. But I can’t exactly go back, well, life just sucks doesn’t it? It’s around two-thirty in the morning, and instead of finishing my Chinese homework that was due two days ago, I decided to go through my course catalogue and plan out my life for the next three years. It is more complicated than I thought. In the end, I decided that my second major is going to be art. Now, isn’t that funny? I guess people always revert to something familiar… that way, there is nothing to be afraid of. I’ve done it for so long; it is safe. Why am I such a pussy? Refusing to try new things… isn’t that a little counterintuitive to the idea of a liberal arts education? Wasn’t I going to “start fresh”? I hope everything will turn out ok.<br /><br />Not applying to art school and turning down business school only to study art and econ at a small college? Life is just fucking with me now, isn’t it? It’s okay. Have fun.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-53973677304278071812009-03-15T07:48:00.000-07:002009-03-15T07:57:50.318-07:00my inability to express myself in wordsis bothering me.<br />today reminded me of a book I was trying to write to a friend. By a book, I mean a really really long letter in the form of bound pages. I had so much to say to her, but I can never write past six or seven pages. I feel incompetent.<br />I just can't verbalize the contents of my brain.<br />Translation from neural signals to letters and symbols is hard.<br />Or maybe I'm just making up a lame excuse for being lazy.<br /><br />It's probably a combination of the two.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-76603952171238708132009-03-10T03:50:00.000-07:002009-03-10T04:23:56.829-07:00I will call this an explanation, otherwise as known as a lame excuse for why I haven't written anything in the past 126 days.This always happens to me. Everytime I try to "blog" I end up only doing it for a couple of weeks, only to completely forget about its existence. And when something in my mind triggers me to blog again, I'll go back and write one of these: trying to come up with an explanation for my absense like people even cared/noticed.<br />A lot of things happened in the 126 days during which I was gone. You know, the usual wild parties and extravaganzas. But i'll spare you all the juicy details, because really, I know remember either.<br />Let's talk about now. What am I doing now?<br />as I'm typing this, I'm also playing a game tetris. Up until this point, I hadn't won a game yet and I was really pissed off at this one other player who keeps killing me. but, I just won two games. Perhaps this blog is bringing me luck.<br />So, spring break started 3 days ago, and I have absolutely nothing to do. I waste my days away watching shows on my laptop and eating. That's basically all I do during most breaks. Yesterday, I decided to do something productive, so I spent a whooping 20 minutes doing my chinese homework. I also tried to get back in touch with my "artistic" side, but discovered that maybe I can't draw anymore. That is a sad thought: did I waste like 14 years of my life drawing?<br />This morning, I woke up at 630 because I made a bet with someone about running outside, only 630 is alot darker than I thought it would be (gah, daylight saving), so I'm running at 730 instead.<br />__<br />ok, so back to the explanation: What prompt me to write this again wasn't the fact that a friend mentioned that it's sad that I don't update this anymore. Someone did say that to me, but I kind of just blew him off. <span style="font-style: italic;">pshhh-- who needs a blog?</span> The truth is that a week later, I start noticing the people around me, and the determination and passion they have with which they do things they want. I wish I could be inspired to make something awesome, but in the mean time, I'm still waiting.<br /><br /><br /><br />I just wrote about a bunch of things without flow or continuity. Guess I'll never be much of a writer. But you know, they all somehow connect in my mind.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-54085432285299828092008-11-04T13:42:00.000-08:002008-11-04T13:49:26.025-08:00NOVEMBER FOURTH TWO THOUSAND AND 8it's getting cold and i don't have a coat. i guess all of my scarves will have to keep me warm. I'm at work, but not really working.<br />I was reading my horoscopes online randomly, and it says that i need to focus more. i wish i could do that too.<br />i found this blog that i didn't know i bookmarked on my browser. and then i realised that i bookmarked it because it had patterns for a hat i wanted to knit. i looked through some of her other posts and they looked really cool. kinda random.<br />but i feel like i want to do something like that.<br />would that make me a copycat? a plagiarist?<br />i wonder why i can never come up with my own ideas.<br /><br />how were people's halloweens?Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-14501115959250204712008-10-23T17:38:00.000-07:002008-10-23T17:48:51.579-07:00There is no title.I am back home from break. actually, i go back to vassar in a couple of days. and this has been so unproductive. i had all these grand plans to do work and go see people and then things just fall apart because i am too lazy.<br />why would i study or meeting friends when i can just stay in my warm bed and sleep?<br />meeting up with friends in a large group is fun and all, but it gets a little hectic when everyone wants to do different things? the plan was to go karaoke today, but that was the least-fun part. and now that i think about it. WHY WAS IT SO EXPENSIVE? the place i went to on tuesday was like.. $10 until 8pm and this place was $13.. for how long? 1 and a half hours?<br />woah. i just got ripped off.<br />speaking of said, karaoke place... it was.. very neon in colour. i reminded me of those prostitute-houses....brothels? in those weird HK movies about polices and undercovers. I was<br />slightly creeped out, so maybe that's why i didn't really feel right there. something was off, but i couldn't really say what it was exactly.<br />I went to a knockoff pinkberry place called yoberry. and the mango frozen yogurt DID NOT taste anything like mango.<br />****<br />Things have been awkward these past two weeks. My views about things have fluctuated a lot and I haven't really made up my mind about what or how to think quite yet. I'll have to gave that some thought and then write it out here. right now, i don't know what to say.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-64464069977429494602008-10-12T15:28:00.000-07:002008-10-12T15:45:28.558-07:00Lacking.I'm (and have been?) in the process of writing a book/ really really long letter. And it's really hard. I thought I could take on this task because I had so much to say, but once I started writing, I realize that I can't really say much. I keep self-editing and rethinking about how best to express myself. is that even really important at all? If i haven't heard from someone for a long time, would I want them to ramble on and on about things I know nothing about?<br />There exist a gap, hollowness? I'm confused as to how to act because I'm not sure if i've changed or if people would accept that change. should i keep pretending to be who i was many years back, or what i am now. but what am i?<br />it's really not that hard.<br />or maybe it's not even a problem about self-expression, or maybe i just lack things to say. i'm not sure whats important.. should i write about every tiny detail of my life.. about how i had a bad dream and drooled in my sleep last night? or just skim through things.. high school, college, birthdays?<br />or would people care at all?<br />I've realised that even though I seem to be bright, care<s>free</s>less, and insane outwardly, I just happen to be incredibly insecure and needs constant reassurance that I am worth something to someone, that people will miss me when I'm not around. I'm a fragile box of... broken-glassware(?) that needs care and attention. and I doubt people's intentions because i think that they're just saying things that they don't actually mean.<br />I think my brain maybe malfunctioning. or maybe i'm just an extremely needy, subtly controlling, passive-agressively attention-seeking whore.<br />ah.<br />uh-um. excuse me. this is <span style="font-style: italic;">really</span> wrong.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-36897272974188128832008-10-03T11:45:00.001-07:002008-10-03T11:45:51.477-07:00For Now,I am happy, I think.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-53431254924441531952008-10-01T20:48:00.000-07:002008-10-01T20:57:04.686-07:00I'm being PARANOIDDon't you hate it when you're trying to sleep and people are being loud? it's not that they're inconsiderate (which they are). They don't really know that I'm trying to sleep because I didn't tell them. But, hey, it's nearly midnight... so lets gather in a room and SPEAK AND LAUGH REALLY LOUDLY TO PISS PEOPLE OFF? great idea. I think they might be drunk, because I hear that sound that beer cans make when it's opened. or maybe they're drinking soda. Probably not.<br />I hate this. Everytime I try to sleep my ears become SUPER SENSITIVE and I can hear EVERYTHING. I can't tune things out. The more I try the louder sounds become. But I'm going to try to sleep not.<br />I watched the Disney version of Cinderella just now. It reminded me of nice old animation. The last time I saw it was a long time ago. and the movie is really kind of fucked up. just slightly. Now I want to watch The Lady and The Tramp. Maybe thinking about good old Disney movies can help me get through my mentally frustratingly boring Children's Lit class.<br />GOD (whom I don't really believe in) PLEASE HELP ME.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-76695015833316903802008-09-29T20:54:00.000-07:002008-09-29T21:06:04.089-07:00Reunion #1So, I got the "spring update?" to the Hackley yearbook. With the pictures from prom and senior dinner and graduation. and I got hit by wave of nostalgia (which I actually get quite often).<br />I went back home this weekend. Hackley feels different for some reason, maybe its because I don't go there anymore. I know the people there, but there were also people I didn't know. In short, I felt like a stranger. only slightly.<br />Saturday was Emily's birthday, so we went to the city to celebrate.<br />too bad everyone was kind of sick.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgcYNcD3Ry7fuI1MynP-EbntNG_wH1c6Z344-WrubaIQoFT_TegnBt6Ka8Y2iJVN5iCQdE_suSa9pNOhqe5xJF-q9c9akCRVI-n2mFN946fxmmtGrbWqTQTIBpgXz5FMz4sTBmNydHXRFr/s1600-h/n1380060367_30227991_6371.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgcYNcD3Ry7fuI1MynP-EbntNG_wH1c6Z344-WrubaIQoFT_TegnBt6Ka8Y2iJVN5iCQdE_suSa9pNOhqe5xJF-q9c9akCRVI-n2mFN946fxmmtGrbWqTQTIBpgXz5FMz4sTBmNydHXRFr/s400/n1380060367_30227991_6371.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251659306516743266" border="0" /></a><br />it didn't occur to me how much I had missed everyone until I saw them. Luckily, everyone's more or less within reachable distance. But, i don't know, I get that almost but not quite awkward feeling of separation? it's like a highschool friend meeting college friend kinda thing. not that it's a bad thing. it's only natural. but I'm still not used to the fact that these people that i've known for three years are making friends with people I don't know. WOAH. SO SHOCKING.<br />not really. i have my own friends, too.<br />instead of having the same life with the same friends and same social scene (hey! were there any?), it's like we are all going our own way and having our own lives.<br /><br />Having a life is good. GO MAKE FRIENDS!Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-25411423146531284962008-09-22T11:40:00.000-07:002008-09-22T11:58:20.475-07:00Wild Night?<div>oh yes. TOTALLY. how is not wild watching six movies in one weekend and staying up really really late.. or early.<br /></div><div>that was finally something that I'm at least a little more used to doing. plus it was fun.. as long as i remember to forget that i still had homework to do. being sleep-deprived can be a wonderful thing. it makes me extremely hyper, and i can usually sleep REALLY well afterwards. I watched Moulin Rouge for the first time.. and it was around 4 am, so i felt like i was hallucinating, which wasn't actually a bad feeling. ah-haha. and I am absolutely in love with ewan mcgregor, who is extremely good-looking and can sing really well, which makes him that much better. too bad he's old and married and i don't know him. haha. I've also discovered that my friends here have weird and awkward tendencies, which is highly amusing and somewhat comforting because 1. it's entertaining and 2. my other friends (you) all have weird tendencies.</div><div>i'm really excited for this weekend. hopefully i'll satistfy my pinkberry craving that has been building up since a month ago.</div><div>by the way,</div><div><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3jxNUwygUUjkr_z9mrIKV4BSgwMtf0x-X2BHZiNt4KesBB7fMhZzqnONv_ztPAlOPnVMPUR4N6z2RMgHTRpzatTSz1V4KyvbYecE4XAE_VrnNvUomv_P9geAL5WIC7LiTQYgD5uMpk7M7/s320/CIMG1227.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248921762951247874" /><br /></div><div>the Barefoot Monkeys are sick.</div><div><br /></div>Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-78997827078864566282008-09-19T11:03:00.000-07:002008-09-19T11:12:19.155-07:00Total and Absolute Humiliation?About "Synchronized Ice Skating". yeah, it's really cool, except for the fact that I realized that I haven't skated since I was 11.. so I just couldn't quite move on the ice. I wish I was better. But FEAR NOT! utter humiliation will not stop me from skating. it is really fun (and cold). I have yet to do anything else that's interesting... There was a tea party, which reminded me of Alice's Tea Cup, that I wasn't technically invited to, but I kind of just invited myself. The tea wasn't really that good though. <div>oh, funny thing. I didn't sleep in my room last night because I got back from the ice-skating thing pretty late, and I was watching asian TV in my friend's room. when I got back this morning, I went to shower in my super genius "bath rope," which is an oversized sweatshirt that I got by accident a couple years ago. and people were staring at me weirdly.</div><div>Whose sweater is she wearing?</div><div>mine.</div><div>haha~</div><div>i can't wait until next weekend.</div>Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-91053657059419698922008-09-17T20:24:00.000-07:002008-09-17T20:37:21.804-07:00BELATED MOONCAKES<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnwgpWI5c44iVqWsScwRYTE1gMdjLWSiMir2R-X4pZaQ8xYjzGt3KJuxvhE5TVPhvo3Ohul7UQ_JclzF2UiwytGXGXR4oDha3HJs7RIQYy0NoQ1QD-CSbgjRPalioJEZELc_tXO3C042tI/s1600-h/CIMG1214.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnwgpWI5c44iVqWsScwRYTE1gMdjLWSiMir2R-X4pZaQ8xYjzGt3KJuxvhE5TVPhvo3Ohul7UQ_JclzF2UiwytGXGXR4oDha3HJs7RIQYy0NoQ1QD-CSbgjRPalioJEZELc_tXO3C042tI/s200/CIMG1214.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247199336149479890" /></a><br />there was this belated celebration of the mid-autumn's festival with ASA (asian student association!!) and the second piece of mooncake i had had nuts in it and tasted like crap.<div>but overall was fun. what else can i ask for? free food, lots of asians, candles in paper boats floating in water...</div><div>oh, and i seriously wanted to (and attempted to) light those boats on fire. it was nice. i like the smell of burning paper. it was a connection with my heritage, not that i don't have enough of that already.</div><div>ok, i'm weird.</div><div>NOTE TO SELF: i could do with more non-asian friends.<br /><div><br /></div></div>Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-44719024146171149342008-09-17T11:41:00.000-07:002008-09-17T14:18:37.701-07:00HOLY SHIT. I MADE MY BED<img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt8WaTWakPwCkKvVTHLuB2xp9q-GidSuIYZwJJJ9ejic0f6Wdw-ba9XhSwE0RpDw-mfs_CRQxpBnv3Bw1R-0wCf-LfgehktFBGNZg-AAjX4-VeBAArP7Q7xo0ceKun2uVO4O5OHHHd_xZx/s200/CIMG1201.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247064283787812626" /> <img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLs81syjnM0TKV4PZdnVQYLTz-4l1XrZb6RbmyhneWS5wYbTGpC07tDCblbwTlT9LbEVKVQg14byDRXjmBvoTGKuLImvLHiDAkwMlTyI-fKxNFZCzR6_62Ss_7gFuEQ_tId-vztaPC3k-J/s200/CIMG1212.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247101561491471154" /><br /><br />this is REALLY BIG.<br />my room is perpertually messy.<br />but what is this? my bed is cleaned?<br />i don't even make my bed at home.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-36632075392738426442008-09-16T19:38:00.000-07:002008-09-16T19:48:28.013-07:00College..Life?So, this would be like a re-cap of my past.. 3 weeks(?) at Vassar. it is decent. and decent is probably the strongest word i can use. i actually like it A LOT more than when I first got here because GUESS WHAT? I've made friends. which is a good thing, by the way. Yet somehow I feel like there's a piece about college that's still missing. What about the thrill of going to classes? (and I am totally serious) Everyone I've met are in love with what they're taking even though it's a lot of work. My classes are just so.. dull. Is it because I went to Hackley? or because all the ones i'm taking are number-based lecture types? Why do I feel like everyone else is drowning in work and when I've got tons of free time (though i do complain about how i have no time). Why can't I drown with everyone else? or a better way to put it might be.. WHY CAN'T I FEEL PRODUCTIVE? i'm always in the library, but other people are working on papers and readings while I waste my time on problem sets that I already knew how to do two years ago but have forgotten? and why am i complaining about having free time? <br />Perhaps I just like to torture myself. If I die of overworking one day, I might just be really happy in my afterlife.<br />i really miss people =[Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4820798339136161763.post-19966875541982700002008-09-16T15:19:00.000-07:002008-09-16T15:21:25.468-07:001.5 hoursThat's the amount of time I spent making this blog. It took some time to remember all that html/css stuff I self-taught when I was in 7th grade. This is a lazy way to let you know what's happening in my life.<br />I LOVE YOU ALL.Beanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01974190077119474618noreply@blogger.com0