There is no title.

I am back home from break. actually, i go back to vassar in a couple of days. and this has been so unproductive. i had all these grand plans to do work and go see people and then things just fall apart because i am too lazy.
why would i study or meeting friends when i can just stay in my warm bed and sleep?
meeting up with friends in a large group is fun and all, but it gets a little hectic when everyone wants to do different things? the plan was to go karaoke today, but that was the least-fun part. and now that i think about it. WHY WAS IT SO EXPENSIVE? the place i went to on tuesday was like.. $10 until 8pm and this place was $13.. for how long? 1 and a half hours?
woah. i just got ripped off.
speaking of said, karaoke place... it was.. very neon in colour. i reminded me of those prostitute-houses....brothels? in those weird HK movies about polices and undercovers. I was
slightly creeped out, so maybe that's why i didn't really feel right there. something was off, but i couldn't really say what it was exactly.
I went to a knockoff pinkberry place called yoberry. and the mango frozen yogurt DID NOT taste anything like mango.
Things have been awkward these past two weeks. My views about things have fluctuated a lot and I haven't really made up my mind about what or how to think quite yet. I'll have to gave that some thought and then write it out here. right now, i don't know what to say.



I'm (and have been?) in the process of writing a book/ really really long letter. And it's really hard. I thought I could take on this task because I had so much to say, but once I started writing, I realize that I can't really say much. I keep self-editing and rethinking about how best to express myself. is that even really important at all? If i haven't heard from someone for a long time, would I want them to ramble on and on about things I know nothing about?
There exist a gap, hollowness? I'm confused as to how to act because I'm not sure if i've changed or if people would accept that change. should i keep pretending to be who i was many years back, or what i am now. but what am i?
it's really not that hard.
or maybe it's not even a problem about self-expression, or maybe i just lack things to say. i'm not sure whats important.. should i write about every tiny detail of my life.. about how i had a bad dream and drooled in my sleep last night? or just skim through things.. high school, college, birthdays?
or would people care at all?
I've realised that even though I seem to be bright, carefreeless, and insane outwardly, I just happen to be incredibly insecure and needs constant reassurance that I am worth something to someone, that people will miss me when I'm not around. I'm a fragile box of... broken-glassware(?) that needs care and attention. and I doubt people's intentions because i think that they're just saying things that they don't actually mean.
I think my brain maybe malfunctioning. or maybe i'm just an extremely needy, subtly controlling, passive-agressively attention-seeking whore.
uh-um. excuse me. this is really wrong.


For Now,

I am happy, I think.


I'm being PARANOID

Don't you hate it when you're trying to sleep and people are being loud? it's not that they're inconsiderate (which they are). They don't really know that I'm trying to sleep because I didn't tell them. But, hey, it's nearly midnight... so lets gather in a room and SPEAK AND LAUGH REALLY LOUDLY TO PISS PEOPLE OFF? great idea. I think they might be drunk, because I hear that sound that beer cans make when it's opened. or maybe they're drinking soda. Probably not.
I hate this. Everytime I try to sleep my ears become SUPER SENSITIVE and I can hear EVERYTHING. I can't tune things out. The more I try the louder sounds become. But I'm going to try to sleep not.
I watched the Disney version of Cinderella just now. It reminded me of nice old animation. The last time I saw it was a long time ago. and the movie is really kind of fucked up. just slightly. Now I want to watch The Lady and The Tramp. Maybe thinking about good old Disney movies can help me get through my mentally frustratingly boring Children's Lit class.
GOD (whom I don't really believe in) PLEASE HELP ME.