Lacking.

I'm (and have been?) in the process of writing a book/ really really long letter. And it's really hard. I thought I could take on this task because I had so much to say, but once I started writing, I realize that I can't really say much. I keep self-editing and rethinking about how best to express myself. is that even really important at all? If i haven't heard from someone for a long time, would I want them to ramble on and on about things I know nothing about?
There exist a gap, hollowness? I'm confused as to how to act because I'm not sure if i've changed or if people would accept that change. should i keep pretending to be who i was many years back, or what i am now. but what am i?
it's really not that hard.
or maybe it's not even a problem about self-expression, or maybe i just lack things to say. i'm not sure whats important.. should i write about every tiny detail of my life.. about how i had a bad dream and drooled in my sleep last night? or just skim through things.. high school, college, birthdays?
or would people care at all?
I've realised that even though I seem to be bright, carefreeless, and insane outwardly, I just happen to be incredibly insecure and needs constant reassurance that I am worth something to someone, that people will miss me when I'm not around. I'm a fragile box of... broken-glassware(?) that needs care and attention. and I doubt people's intentions because i think that they're just saying things that they don't actually mean.
I think my brain maybe malfunctioning. or maybe i'm just an extremely needy, subtly controlling, passive-agressively attention-seeking whore.
ah.
uh-um. excuse me. this is really wrong.