am i loving too easily?


What am i looking for, exactly?

to have and not to have, both results in complaining.
there are always problems. and i'm really not sure how to deal with them yet. maybe a solution will come with time, but i feel like all i can do right now is to push things aside. i mean, i definitely have other important things to focus on. but problems are also a looming part of my life. brushing things aside might cause larger problems later. but, you know, humans tend to weigh short-term gains more heavily than long-term consequences. it will work out somehow. if it doesn't, i will be sad, but everything will be ok.
I don't regret anything, but sometimes, i am convinced that many of this is just self-inflicted pain.

maybe i am a masochist.


it's interesting to discover things you knew before.

isn't it funny? that just as i was reading about how memories can be triggered from related events that that specific thing happens to me?
I was thinking about Isangs exec board nominations, and just suddenly remembered that I ran for class treasurer when i was in 9th grade. funny,,.. i don't even remember when I've forgotten about that.
memory is such a weird thing, though... once I started thinking about it, I did some digging up of my past.
when "things" happened when I was too young, they are a part of my family's memory, but really doesn't exist in mine. I wished I was older then. maybe.

-- but seriously, where are you? come out and prove everyone wrong, please.


What would someone know about love if he has never loved before?

I think blind loving is heart-breaking. and it is also laughable.
unconditional love is bs, especially if it's one-sided. anything that people say to prove that wrong is only to make themselves feel better about not being loved in return. it is sad for them, and it is sad for people watching. the only happy one is the oblivious idiot who is unknowing causing pain.
but then, what do I know?
it is just agonizing to watch.


god. or other higher divine entities,

why can i not be more assertive?
what. the. fuck?


Once upon a time,

I was capable of offering intelligent input on serious conversations. Now, I don't know whether I'm just indifferent about speaking my mind, or if I just don't have another drop of original thought in me.
I cannot articulate myself comme un intelligent human-being.


my internet sucked last night, so i'm posting this.. during my chinese class?

There are 5 more weeks of classes left. And then I’m a college sophomore. It is really scary. The mere idea of another 3 more years passing like this intimidates me. What exactly have I done in the past 7 months? Nothing really. In fact, I almost find high school more challenging and productive. But I can’t exactly go back, well, life just sucks doesn’t it? It’s around two-thirty in the morning, and instead of finishing my Chinese homework that was due two days ago, I decided to go through my course catalogue and plan out my life for the next three years. It is more complicated than I thought. In the end, I decided that my second major is going to be art. Now, isn’t that funny? I guess people always revert to something familiar… that way, there is nothing to be afraid of. I’ve done it for so long; it is safe. Why am I such a pussy? Refusing to try new things… isn’t that a little counterintuitive to the idea of a liberal arts education? Wasn’t I going to “start fresh”? I hope everything will turn out ok.

Not applying to art school and turning down business school only to study art and econ at a small college? Life is just fucking with me now, isn’t it? It’s okay. Have fun.