my internet sucked last night, so i'm posting this.. during my chinese class?

There are 5 more weeks of classes left. And then I’m a college sophomore. It is really scary. The mere idea of another 3 more years passing like this intimidates me. What exactly have I done in the past 7 months? Nothing really. In fact, I almost find high school more challenging and productive. But I can’t exactly go back, well, life just sucks doesn’t it? It’s around two-thirty in the morning, and instead of finishing my Chinese homework that was due two days ago, I decided to go through my course catalogue and plan out my life for the next three years. It is more complicated than I thought. In the end, I decided that my second major is going to be art. Now, isn’t that funny? I guess people always revert to something familiar… that way, there is nothing to be afraid of. I’ve done it for so long; it is safe. Why am I such a pussy? Refusing to try new things… isn’t that a little counterintuitive to the idea of a liberal arts education? Wasn’t I going to “start fresh”? I hope everything will turn out ok.

Not applying to art school and turning down business school only to study art and econ at a small college? Life is just fucking with me now, isn’t it? It’s okay. Have fun.

my inability to express myself in words

is bothering me.
today reminded me of a book I was trying to write to a friend. By a book, I mean a really really long letter in the form of bound pages. I had so much to say to her, but I can never write past six or seven pages. I feel incompetent.
I just can't verbalize the contents of my brain.
Translation from neural signals to letters and symbols is hard.
Or maybe I'm just making up a lame excuse for being lazy.

It's probably a combination of the two.

I will call this an explanation, otherwise as known as a lame excuse for why I haven't written anything in the past 126 days.

This always happens to me. Everytime I try to "blog" I end up only doing it for a couple of weeks, only to completely forget about its existence. And when something in my mind triggers me to blog again, I'll go back and write one of these: trying to come up with an explanation for my absense like people even cared/noticed.
A lot of things happened in the 126 days during which I was gone. You know, the usual wild parties and extravaganzas. But i'll spare you all the juicy details, because really, I know remember either.
Let's talk about now. What am I doing now?
as I'm typing this, I'm also playing a game tetris. Up until this point, I hadn't won a game yet and I was really pissed off at this one other player who keeps killing me. but, I just won two games. Perhaps this blog is bringing me luck.
So, spring break started 3 days ago, and I have absolutely nothing to do. I waste my days away watching shows on my laptop and eating. That's basically all I do during most breaks. Yesterday, I decided to do something productive, so I spent a whooping 20 minutes doing my chinese homework. I also tried to get back in touch with my "artistic" side, but discovered that maybe I can't draw anymore. That is a sad thought: did I waste like 14 years of my life drawing?
This morning, I woke up at 630 because I made a bet with someone about running outside, only 630 is alot darker than I thought it would be (gah, daylight saving), so I'm running at 730 instead.
__
ok, so back to the explanation: What prompt me to write this again wasn't the fact that a friend mentioned that it's sad that I don't update this anymore. Someone did say that to me, but I kind of just blew him off. pshhh-- who needs a blog? The truth is that a week later, I start noticing the people around me, and the determination and passion they have with which they do things they want. I wish I could be inspired to make something awesome, but in the mean time, I'm still waiting.



I just wrote about a bunch of things without flow or continuity. Guess I'll never be much of a writer. But you know, they all somehow connect in my mind.

NOVEMBER FOURTH TWO THOUSAND AND 8

it's getting cold and i don't have a coat. i guess all of my scarves will have to keep me warm. I'm at work, but not really working.
I was reading my horoscopes online randomly, and it says that i need to focus more. i wish i could do that too.
i found this blog that i didn't know i bookmarked on my browser. and then i realised that i bookmarked it because it had patterns for a hat i wanted to knit. i looked through some of her other posts and they looked really cool. kinda random.
but i feel like i want to do something like that.
would that make me a copycat? a plagiarist?
i wonder why i can never come up with my own ideas.

how were people's halloweens?

There is no title.

I am back home from break. actually, i go back to vassar in a couple of days. and this has been so unproductive. i had all these grand plans to do work and go see people and then things just fall apart because i am too lazy.
why would i study or meeting friends when i can just stay in my warm bed and sleep?
meeting up with friends in a large group is fun and all, but it gets a little hectic when everyone wants to do different things? the plan was to go karaoke today, but that was the least-fun part. and now that i think about it. WHY WAS IT SO EXPENSIVE? the place i went to on tuesday was like.. $10 until 8pm and this place was $13.. for how long? 1 and a half hours?
woah. i just got ripped off.
speaking of said, karaoke place... it was.. very neon in colour. i reminded me of those prostitute-houses....brothels? in those weird HK movies about polices and undercovers. I was
slightly creeped out, so maybe that's why i didn't really feel right there. something was off, but i couldn't really say what it was exactly.
I went to a knockoff pinkberry place called yoberry. and the mango frozen yogurt DID NOT taste anything like mango.
****
Things have been awkward these past two weeks. My views about things have fluctuated a lot and I haven't really made up my mind about what or how to think quite yet. I'll have to gave that some thought and then write it out here. right now, i don't know what to say.

Lacking.

I'm (and have been?) in the process of writing a book/ really really long letter. And it's really hard. I thought I could take on this task because I had so much to say, but once I started writing, I realize that I can't really say much. I keep self-editing and rethinking about how best to express myself. is that even really important at all? If i haven't heard from someone for a long time, would I want them to ramble on and on about things I know nothing about?
There exist a gap, hollowness? I'm confused as to how to act because I'm not sure if i've changed or if people would accept that change. should i keep pretending to be who i was many years back, or what i am now. but what am i?
it's really not that hard.
or maybe it's not even a problem about self-expression, or maybe i just lack things to say. i'm not sure whats important.. should i write about every tiny detail of my life.. about how i had a bad dream and drooled in my sleep last night? or just skim through things.. high school, college, birthdays?
or would people care at all?
I've realised that even though I seem to be bright, carefreeless, and insane outwardly, I just happen to be incredibly insecure and needs constant reassurance that I am worth something to someone, that people will miss me when I'm not around. I'm a fragile box of... broken-glassware(?) that needs care and attention. and I doubt people's intentions because i think that they're just saying things that they don't actually mean.
I think my brain maybe malfunctioning. or maybe i'm just an extremely needy, subtly controlling, passive-agressively attention-seeking whore.
ah.
uh-um. excuse me. this is really wrong.

For Now,

I am happy, I think.