my inability to express myself in words

is bothering me.
today reminded me of a book I was trying to write to a friend. By a book, I mean a really really long letter in the form of bound pages. I had so much to say to her, but I can never write past six or seven pages. I feel incompetent.
I just can't verbalize the contents of my brain.
Translation from neural signals to letters and symbols is hard.
Or maybe I'm just making up a lame excuse for being lazy.

It's probably a combination of the two.

I will call this an explanation, otherwise as known as a lame excuse for why I haven't written anything in the past 126 days.

This always happens to me. Everytime I try to "blog" I end up only doing it for a couple of weeks, only to completely forget about its existence. And when something in my mind triggers me to blog again, I'll go back and write one of these: trying to come up with an explanation for my absense like people even cared/noticed.
A lot of things happened in the 126 days during which I was gone. You know, the usual wild parties and extravaganzas. But i'll spare you all the juicy details, because really, I know remember either.
Let's talk about now. What am I doing now?
as I'm typing this, I'm also playing a game tetris. Up until this point, I hadn't won a game yet and I was really pissed off at this one other player who keeps killing me. but, I just won two games. Perhaps this blog is bringing me luck.
So, spring break started 3 days ago, and I have absolutely nothing to do. I waste my days away watching shows on my laptop and eating. That's basically all I do during most breaks. Yesterday, I decided to do something productive, so I spent a whooping 20 minutes doing my chinese homework. I also tried to get back in touch with my "artistic" side, but discovered that maybe I can't draw anymore. That is a sad thought: did I waste like 14 years of my life drawing?
This morning, I woke up at 630 because I made a bet with someone about running outside, only 630 is alot darker than I thought it would be (gah, daylight saving), so I'm running at 730 instead.
__
ok, so back to the explanation: What prompt me to write this again wasn't the fact that a friend mentioned that it's sad that I don't update this anymore. Someone did say that to me, but I kind of just blew him off. pshhh-- who needs a blog? The truth is that a week later, I start noticing the people around me, and the determination and passion they have with which they do things they want. I wish I could be inspired to make something awesome, but in the mean time, I'm still waiting.



I just wrote about a bunch of things without flow or continuity. Guess I'll never be much of a writer. But you know, they all somehow connect in my mind.

NOVEMBER FOURTH TWO THOUSAND AND 8

it's getting cold and i don't have a coat. i guess all of my scarves will have to keep me warm. I'm at work, but not really working.
I was reading my horoscopes online randomly, and it says that i need to focus more. i wish i could do that too.
i found this blog that i didn't know i bookmarked on my browser. and then i realised that i bookmarked it because it had patterns for a hat i wanted to knit. i looked through some of her other posts and they looked really cool. kinda random.
but i feel like i want to do something like that.
would that make me a copycat? a plagiarist?
i wonder why i can never come up with my own ideas.

how were people's halloweens?

There is no title.

I am back home from break. actually, i go back to vassar in a couple of days. and this has been so unproductive. i had all these grand plans to do work and go see people and then things just fall apart because i am too lazy.
why would i study or meeting friends when i can just stay in my warm bed and sleep?
meeting up with friends in a large group is fun and all, but it gets a little hectic when everyone wants to do different things? the plan was to go karaoke today, but that was the least-fun part. and now that i think about it. WHY WAS IT SO EXPENSIVE? the place i went to on tuesday was like.. $10 until 8pm and this place was $13.. for how long? 1 and a half hours?
woah. i just got ripped off.
speaking of said, karaoke place... it was.. very neon in colour. i reminded me of those prostitute-houses....brothels? in those weird HK movies about polices and undercovers. I was
slightly creeped out, so maybe that's why i didn't really feel right there. something was off, but i couldn't really say what it was exactly.
I went to a knockoff pinkberry place called yoberry. and the mango frozen yogurt DID NOT taste anything like mango.
****
Things have been awkward these past two weeks. My views about things have fluctuated a lot and I haven't really made up my mind about what or how to think quite yet. I'll have to gave that some thought and then write it out here. right now, i don't know what to say.

Lacking.

I'm (and have been?) in the process of writing a book/ really really long letter. And it's really hard. I thought I could take on this task because I had so much to say, but once I started writing, I realize that I can't really say much. I keep self-editing and rethinking about how best to express myself. is that even really important at all? If i haven't heard from someone for a long time, would I want them to ramble on and on about things I know nothing about?
There exist a gap, hollowness? I'm confused as to how to act because I'm not sure if i've changed or if people would accept that change. should i keep pretending to be who i was many years back, or what i am now. but what am i?
it's really not that hard.
or maybe it's not even a problem about self-expression, or maybe i just lack things to say. i'm not sure whats important.. should i write about every tiny detail of my life.. about how i had a bad dream and drooled in my sleep last night? or just skim through things.. high school, college, birthdays?
or would people care at all?
I've realised that even though I seem to be bright, carefreeless, and insane outwardly, I just happen to be incredibly insecure and needs constant reassurance that I am worth something to someone, that people will miss me when I'm not around. I'm a fragile box of... broken-glassware(?) that needs care and attention. and I doubt people's intentions because i think that they're just saying things that they don't actually mean.
I think my brain maybe malfunctioning. or maybe i'm just an extremely needy, subtly controlling, passive-agressively attention-seeking whore.
ah.
uh-um. excuse me. this is really wrong.

For Now,

I am happy, I think.

I'm being PARANOID

Don't you hate it when you're trying to sleep and people are being loud? it's not that they're inconsiderate (which they are). They don't really know that I'm trying to sleep because I didn't tell them. But, hey, it's nearly midnight... so lets gather in a room and SPEAK AND LAUGH REALLY LOUDLY TO PISS PEOPLE OFF? great idea. I think they might be drunk, because I hear that sound that beer cans make when it's opened. or maybe they're drinking soda. Probably not.
I hate this. Everytime I try to sleep my ears become SUPER SENSITIVE and I can hear EVERYTHING. I can't tune things out. The more I try the louder sounds become. But I'm going to try to sleep not.
I watched the Disney version of Cinderella just now. It reminded me of nice old animation. The last time I saw it was a long time ago. and the movie is really kind of fucked up. just slightly. Now I want to watch The Lady and The Tramp. Maybe thinking about good old Disney movies can help me get through my mentally frustratingly boring Children's Lit class.
GOD (whom I don't really believe in) PLEASE HELP ME.